People are always telling me I’m “really something else”. My mind’s been stuck on that these last few days. That and the sense that things right now are reminiscent of checking out the guest book at my own funeral.
But let’s back up a bit. I have a bit of a temper. (Understatement.) I am known to stew about an incident or situation for a very long time, without really doing anything to address it. Sure, I vent. At times I even vent productively – you know, when no one’s feelings get hurt and I actually feel better or even figure something out in the process.
I used to be downright difficult. An unrelenting bully, you might say. The last ten years or so have been a slow and painful mellowing process for me. And I’m more or less happy with where I am now, because I don’t know that I could be any less of a pain in the ass without also losing some of what makes me a good person, what leads me to fight for people I love and things I believe in. What makes me efficient and impressive and mama-bear-ish. I teeter and totter on that edge every moment of every day. I admit I regularly tread on either side of that line. Sometimes within just a few minutes, I’ll be well entrenched in good-m-land and then in the blink of an eye I’m naughty m and unapologetic about it.
I could medicate myself, I suppose, but I choose not to. I don’t want to damp down my creativity and fire. We all make choices and that’s mine, take it or leave it.
I’m pretty sure that if you asked any of my employers to describe me in two words, they’d make a choice like ~valuable and ~difficult.
I always do this.
What happened Wednesday morning?
There’s this project I inherited . . .
OK, so you were annoyed. But why were you over-the-top freaking out upset? Are you a drama queen or what?
It was like a harbinger of doom. What could this summer possibly be like if this is where we are now? It’s not easy to convey the magnificent liability that is the baby dinosaur. Anyone who doesn’t know him wouldn’t believe.
Then there’s the obligation to and relationship with the client. It is irrelevant that this particular client is a total migraine. It is still my job to GET IT DONE, and I take that very seriously, maybe too seriously. Right now naughty m is screaming: but somebody has to! Which segues right into my next point: control. I need to feel some sense of control, and no, I am most certainly NOT a megalomaniac. I need to feel control to feel sane. If I’m going to take responsibility for something, I need a little bit of authority over it too. Otherwise I’m dooming myself to failure, dooming myself to being blamed for doing something wrong when I had no chance ever of doing it right.
So there I am, shaking with anger. So angry, I am crying, but thankfully not sobbing, but also totally unable to calm down. This is why I just left. It was totally ridiculous and abrupt but it avoided any and all truly unforgivably embarrassing scenes.
For a while then I was feeling a bit righteous. Still shaky and unreal. But then later in the evening, especially after I heard I already had another job offer, I was feeling kind of happy and relieved. Like maybe I dodged a bullet. Of course it’s selfish, but I also can’t afford to fall apart over this job. Better I go back to the States and back to awful uptight corporate corporations, where I’ll be only as miserable as I am now, and I’ll also have health insurance and an employer-funded 401k.
That was maybe one third of the reason I left New York two years ago, the inhuman working lifestyle. I got caught up in it for a while, but escaped before any serious damage was done. But now I’ve created (yes, I’ve created) the same situation here. I looked ahead to the June, July and August with something approximating dread. It was going to be intense and exciting and, at times, even fun, but it was going to be lots and lots of hard work and so very little reward. I wasn’t coping well already, and it had barely started. Tension headaches, severe neck stiffness, jaw clenching, eyestrain and insomnia. All bad signs. (Panic attacks too, but that’s about the Bean.)
Rewind to this other job offer of mine. It would be quieter and calmer and no doubt marred by its own particular brand of bullshit. It would be American-style bullshit, though, which sounds pretty good to me right now. It would be part-time if I wanted. And it would be literally right next door to the friends I’m missing right now. But, but… and this is a huge but: it would be boring as infinity. And I do so hate to be bored.
Maybe I should have just taken a few days off.
But I couldn’t! That was not an option!
Right?
So I went back today, which wasn’t so bad but not great either. Sort of soothing and stressful at the same time. I wanted to pick up my paycheck, and my mom was also bugging me all morning to “go and face it”. She seems to suddenly want me to find a way to make it all up. Earlier in the morning, before we left the house, when I was resisting the idea of going today, she says that now she “can’t even remember what it was all about”. As if it was over something so trivial that she can’t even remember what it was, and why did I make such a big deal? This is coming from the woman who co-authored the three demands, and who told me I should definitely NOT go to work or talk to anyone on Thursday. But I digress.
I’m glad I went. I wasn’t happy that I hadn’t said goodbye to anyone, and I was mooning over moments in my daily routine that I will surely and sorely miss. So I felt a little better afterwards, even though I’m all unsettled and full of questions. You have to remember that I’m a newcomer here and that the focus of my life not to mention the few people I know are all there. It’s been a very eventful two years, a huge life-changing stretch of time for me, and I cannot help but be intense and passionate about it even to a fault.
Like I said here a couple of months ago, these people and this place, they saved my life . . .
The short version of that story is this: I was in a pretty bad place when I got here over two years ago, and now I’m feeling much better. In spite of a couple of notable regrets, I haven’t been this ME since I was fifteen.
I hate leaving task unfinished and obligations unmet, and that is exactly what I’ve done here.
But is this my only opportunity to get out of a snowballing pressure cooker situation? A situation that’s allowed me to become less of a mother, a daughter, a writer?
And how fucking crazy am I, talking like I even could go back if I wanted to? Who do I think I am?
Here’s the rationalization of the moment:
It’s partly about getting acknowledgement of my contribution. It’s partly about my future and my son’s future. (Future in more ways than one, keeping in mind that I now have no legal right to stay here in Grenada.) A huge part is about doing something, changing something, and making it better, taking part in the solution. And finally it’s about starting a trend that eventually benefits everyone.
Notably, I’ve now lost the chance to do the last two. And the first. Which leaves just Jack and me. Not bad, but not enough.
I could rescind my demands. I could promise to behave and I would, for a few months at least. I could endure whatever gossip “they” would inevitably conjure; I’ve already endured much worse. Now, here at home, alone in the evening, I want to say why bother? Tomorrow morning I will wonder how can you not?
(Reading this over this morning, I must admit I’m leaving out most of the story. But, as I like to remind myself, this is NOT A HISTORY BOOK. So I might get around to what actually happened in my next post, but I’m not promising anything.)
+++++++
I am fed up with my horoscope. Like I need another reminder that I was born a flaky-ass-temper-tantrum-prone Pisces.
You have a growing sense of confidence that can motivate you into high gear, but you are probably more grounded now than you appear. If you’ve been thinking about your current move for a while, your enthusiasm can overshadow any previous planning you’ve done. Others may think you are out of control, for your actions may not support their perception of you. Don’t worry about surprising anyone else. Just do what makes the most sense to you.
Yeah, OK, whatever. I wish I had the mysterious master plan that my horoscope regularly implies.
(June 4, 2007)
Posted by maria 
